I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my cousin, Sophia, who is 13. She has an incredible artistic gift, things come easy for her, she’s very social, and is absolutely gorgeous (which fortunately and unfortunately she doesn’t realize the extent). I’ve started numerous blog postings for her to relay my unsolicited advice about being a teenager. Unlike most blog postings where I write it, post it, and then worry about what I said later, I’m taking my time with hers. I’m not really sure if she’ll actually read it (she’s unfortunately already becoming a stereotypical teenager and doesn’t care to spend her time with her cool 30 year old cousin, psh!), but being only 11 years removed from being a teenager I feel it’s my duty to educate her on what to expect the next 6 years and make sure she knows she has an adult, outside of her parents, to come to.

I haven’t finished my outline yet, but I’m going to break it up into different postings with different categories for each one. If you have any advice you’d like to dispense, please comment below or reach out to me. I’d love to include it since not everyone went to school in rural Wisconsin and had my same experiences.

October 17, 2010 – 4:01 pm

I decided it was necessary to dress up as a superhero for Halloween because I have superhero powers. Ok, so it was because my KISA said he wanted to be Batman and, being a girl, I wanted to have a complementary costume – Robin (or Robyn as I say since it’s a girl). But, I still have superhero powers:

1. I faint at the sight of blood. And by faint, I don’t mean I get queasy – I literally fall to the ground if I’m not already trying to get down there, knowing I’m woozy and don’t want to crack my head. Now, you’re probably thinking, “That isn’t really a super power”. Oh, but it is. If we’re ever attacked by bad guys and we all have to go to war, I’m the most likely to live. I faint because my blood pressure drops abruptly. This will make me appear dead to the bad guys (along with my pulse being faint) and, if I really am hurt, the low blood pressure it will help my wounds by avoiding bleeding to death. It is pretty superhuman.
2. I can tell when I’m about to get a cold before I show any symptoms. A couple years ago I had a pretty terrible experience of having vertigo for two weeks. Well, everyone knows that with superheroes they have something that affects their health and then gives them super powers, like Spiderman, The Flash, etc. (Ok, so that’s not always the case, but it is one of the scenarios.) Well, ever since my vertigo my ears have been super sensitive. Now, when I ride in a car and try to read, or do anything besides hang my head out the window, and start to feel nauseous, I know I’m about to get a cold within in the next 48 hours. The next morning I’ll have a sore throat or be stuffy, and then it starts. Now, this is a super power because if ever the bad guys put an airborne sickness out there, I’ll be the first to know and can therefore work to reverse it.
3. I have the ability to look like someone else by just pulling my hair back. Yes, this one surprised me as well. You know those sock buns that are cool? Well, I think they’re cool and I wear my hair in them sometimes. Every single time I wear my hair in a bun to work I have at least one person whom I already know introduce themselves to me. Seriously. It happened again today. This will be helpful when I need to change my identity when I need to escape the bad guys.

At the end of this Halloween evening, I’m going to share with you all a comic I created…featuring me. Ok, it’s not meant to be good…maybe just more amusing. Enjoy! Oh, and Happy Halloween!!

October 10, 2010 – 11:19 am

I have no pets, so WHAT WAS THAT?!! You know how sometimes you are dreaming, but you don’t realize you’re dreaming? Yeah? Well, that happened to me Saturday morning. Let me begin my saying that I may or may not have been under the influence of alcohol the evening before all this took place. It was about 5 am and I’d mustered up the energy to get up and grab my trusty bottle of water to encourage hydration in my body. Shortly after this my nonexistent alarm clock started playing low music and I didn’t have the energy to shut it off. As I lay there in my hung-over stupor something grazed my neck. It took me all of 5 seconds to remember that I don’t own any animals. Typically most human beings would flip on the light right away, but a fear took over my body and I laid there motionless waiting to hear it for some indication of what it was and where it was. After a couple minutes of not hearing anything I turned on my lamp. There was nothing there, but I wasn’t about to look under to bed to be certain. After I laid back down (with the light on) I realized that the music had gone away. And, I didn’t have an alarm clock that played music. And, it was probably just a dream. Or at least I really hope it was… I may get rat poison to sprinkle around my bed just in case.

I lisp when I drink alcohol. Most of you probably know that my two front teeth are fake. Well, unlike real teeth they are not made of enamel and dentine, but rather porcelain, and they take up more room in my mouth because there’s a bump at the back where they meet my gums. Since I’m sensational at talking and do lots of it, I have adjusted for this so that people don’t notice the bathtub in my mouth. However, I have found my kryptonite – booze. Apparently after a couple of drinks the alcohol works as Miracle Grow for my front teeth, making them triple in size. One would think an easy way to remedy this would be to stop drinking, but binge drinking with water just isn’t the same. Instead I’m just going to stop using words with ‘th’ after the second drink.

If you tell me to do something I’ll do the exact opposite. Sometimes it’s intentional because I don’t like to be told what to do, and other times telling me to not do something somehow subconsciously makes it happen. For example, my boss has only once told me what to not do at a specific training: make sure no one sees your tattoo, don’t tell them your age, no sexual references or dirty jokes, and don’t use the Lord’s name in vain. (Makes you wonder what my trainings are normally like, huh?) Needless to say, there was only one of those things that didn’t happen. (I’ll let you ponder which one you think I succeeded at.) I was set up for failure. And, he’s never again given me advice for trainings. Since being single there have been several people encouraging me to throw all my inhabitations to the wind and have one night stands. Not going to happen. I’ve never done that before in my life, nor do I understand how any human is capable of doing that. I can’t even kiss a guy on the first date, for heaven’s sake. Obviously I know they’re joking – I don’t hang out with friends that would give that terrible of advice. But, to make a point I’ve set a new goal in my life – I have taken a yearlong+ vow of celibacy. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “What happens if you get into a relationship with someone before that year is up? Are you not going to date too?” Yes, I am still going to date. Here’s my thoughts on the situation – el sexo complicates things, especially when it’s premature. And, I’d rather date someone who’s with me for me, rather than my gymnastic talents. (That’s a joke, Mom. Stop clutching your chest.) So there. It’s set. And, no one is allowed to harass any future suitors about this. Maybe they’ll want to play a lot of Scrabble in the evenings anyhow.