October 10, 2010 – 11:19 am

I have no pets, so WHAT WAS THAT?!! You know how sometimes you are dreaming, but you don’t realize you’re dreaming? Yeah? Well, that happened to me Saturday morning. Let me begin my saying that I may or may not have been under the influence of alcohol the evening before all this took place. It was about 5 am and I’d mustered up the energy to get up and grab my trusty bottle of water to encourage hydration in my body. Shortly after this my nonexistent alarm clock started playing low music and I didn’t have the energy to shut it off. As I lay there in my hung-over stupor something grazed my neck. It took me all of 5 seconds to remember that I don’t own any animals. Typically most human beings would flip on the light right away, but a fear took over my body and I laid there motionless waiting to hear it for some indication of what it was and where it was. After a couple minutes of not hearing anything I turned on my lamp. There was nothing there, but I wasn’t about to look under to bed to be certain. After I laid back down (with the light on) I realized that the music had gone away. And, I didn’t have an alarm clock that played music. And, it was probably just a dream. Or at least I really hope it was… I may get rat poison to sprinkle around my bed just in case.

I lisp when I drink alcohol. Most of you probably know that my two front teeth are fake. Well, unlike real teeth they are not made of enamel and dentine, but rather porcelain, and they take up more room in my mouth because there’s a bump at the back where they meet my gums. Since I’m sensational at talking and do lots of it, I have adjusted for this so that people don’t notice the bathtub in my mouth. However, I have found my kryptonite – booze. Apparently after a couple of drinks the alcohol works as Miracle Grow for my front teeth, making them triple in size. One would think an easy way to remedy this would be to stop drinking, but binge drinking with water just isn’t the same. Instead I’m just going to stop using words with ‘th’ after the second drink.

If you tell me to do something I’ll do the exact opposite. Sometimes it’s intentional because I don’t like to be told what to do, and other times telling me to not do something somehow subconsciously makes it happen. For example, my boss has only once told me what to not do at a specific training: make sure no one sees your tattoo, don’t tell them your age, no sexual references or dirty jokes, and don’t use the Lord’s name in vain. (Makes you wonder what my trainings are normally like, huh?) Needless to say, there was only one of those things that didn’t happen. (I’ll let you ponder which one you think I succeeded at.) I was set up for failure. And, he’s never again given me advice for trainings. Since being single there have been several people encouraging me to throw all my inhabitations to the wind and have one night stands. Not going to happen. I’ve never done that before in my life, nor do I understand how any human is capable of doing that. I can’t even kiss a guy on the first date, for heaven’s sake. Obviously I know they’re joking – I don’t hang out with friends that would give that terrible of advice. But, to make a point I’ve set a new goal in my life – I have taken a yearlong+ vow of celibacy. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “What happens if you get into a relationship with someone before that year is up? Are you not going to date too?” Yes, I am still going to date. Here’s my thoughts on the situation – el sexo complicates things, especially when it’s premature. And, I’d rather date someone who’s with me for me, rather than my gymnastic talents. (That’s a joke, Mom. Stop clutching your chest.) So there. It’s set. And, no one is allowed to harass any future suitors about this. Maybe they’ll want to play a lot of Scrabble in the evenings anyhow.