When my KISA and I got engaged the idea of us having kids was one step closer to becoming a reality. We’ve talked at lengths about how we’d like to raise our kids and have agreed on almost every piece of it. (Raising a dog is a whole different story.) Our plan started on August 25, 2011 according to my iPhone notes. It said:

(My KISA) & My Living Plan

• Live in Madison until the end of September 2012-ish
• Refinance the house, create an LLC, and rent out the house effective October 1, 2012
• We move to San Francisco to live for two years minimum. Start on our family.
• After the 2nd-ish baby, realize how much we love living in a big city, but move to a suburb on the East coast.
• Once we find a house we love, sell the house in Madison and reinvest the money into our new home. Raise our family. Live happily ever after.

We actually had plans to follow this, but were four months behind. And, the housing market picked up more than we’d expected when we wrote it, so we sold the house instead of renting it out. So far we seemed to be living out our plans.

However, living in San Francisco has reminded me of one major thing I didn’t take into consideration in picking the idea place to raise our kids. See, we chose Massachusetts because they have some of the best public school systems in the US. Plus, we wanted to raise our kids near one of their grandparents. My KISA’s parents are presently 66, so by the time we would move back it would be nice to be close to them if they should need a family member (my KISA’s brother lives in Chicago and the rest of their family lives in Michigan). It sounds great on paper and what’s more important than a child’s education and having family close by?

I’ve posted many pictures of my KISA, so one of the things you may notice about him is that he’s African American.  And one of the things you may have noticed about me is that I’m European American (I believe that’s the PC terminology). Our children will be interracial children and in my own biased opinion I believe they’ll be gorgeous.

I have the luxury of having close friends that are American minorities. In growing up in a farming community you have a certain naivety towards race as everyone I knew was white. Being a blonde, short, or pale was the only minority in my town. Because of this, even when I moved away from my hometown I never made friends based on their race, nor chose who I dated. So, I was shocked when I had two girlfriends (individually) open up to me and share the bullying and cruelty they had growing up in a prominently white community. These are pretty exceptional people, so why would people tease them because of something that made them unique in the community? I’m not sure if it’s fear, ignorance, or just something I don’t understand. However, it destroyed my naivety and made me hurt for my unconceived children.

San Francisco is the most color blind city I’ve ever experienced. I notice more biracial couples than “uniracial” couples here in the city. Most get-togethers with our friends look like a United Colors of Benetton ad. There are no stares of people (that are maybe just curious, but still stare none-the-less). And, a few of my CA friends were shocked that race would even be something noted back in the Midwest.

Since our children will be biracial I already fear for any struggles they may have in “relating” to one race versus the other; I would not be able to handle any children teasing them or them feeling like they don’t belong because their parents didn’t try to control falling in love with each other. Because of this, the diversity of the environment they are raised in has moved to the top of my list in figuring out where we’ll settle down and raise our children. I share the same dream as Martin Luther King, Jr.

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

Let’s hope our generation teaches this to our children. Happy MLK Day, everyone.

Tuesday marks my one year anniversary of living in San Francisco. During this time I’ve fallen in love with the city and its beautiful craziness. Like anything you fall in love with, after you spend enough time with it you start to identify its flaws. During my time in San Francisco I’ve identified one glaring flaw that makes it lose it’s majesticness: it has somehow created a culture of people with “Peter Pan Syndrome” who never want to grow up.

Let’s start first with talking about the dating scene. I have a ton of amazing, single guy and girl friends that have everything a partner could be looking for: a great personality, attractive, educated, successful, confident, etc. I probably have two new people a week that I meet and am astonished to learn that they’re single. I used to spend a lot of time analyzing people and seeing if maybe I could pick up on their flaws of why they weren’t being seized up. I finally concluded that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with these people. I hypothesized that maybe the issue was that the guys just didn’t want to commit, but I’ve learned that most of my guy friends also have a desire to settle down with the right person. When this commit-phobia is combined with being a tech-central area (which makes everyone have the latest apps) means 99% of the single people I know have a Tinder app. Now, Tinder is an app for single people to meet each other and hook up to date or for more casual encounters, depending on their preference. But if you can have a hook-up that easily, it makes dating someone you sincerely want to get to know and settle down with that much more difficult.

I used to think in Wisconsin that everything revolved around drinking. In comparison to San Francisco, I may as well have lived in Utah. Binge drinking is a big thing out here. People make a decent amount of money and these same people also like to have fun. Those two things combined mean a happy hour at least one night a week, plus going out one or both nights on the weekend, and a brunch that turns into day drinking on Sunday. And every get together seems to revolve around drinking in some way, so it’s difficult to avoid that scene. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun, but after a while you start to miss your early Sunday mornings, waking up feeling great. Or having spare time to have hobbies. Or having extra money in your pocket. And you start to realize that having a child is going to be an insane lifestyle change and there’s no way to continue living in the city to make that happen with those influencers. And, I don’t think that’s changing anytime soon given seeing a kid in San Francisco is less frequent than seeing grass.

So, I’m nice to be around when all the forces in my world are calm. When they’re not it’s a whole different story.

For example, my KISA likes me best when I’ve eaten. So much so that he makes me carry snacks in my purse. If I start to get short with him, he’ll gently ask me when was the last time I ate or if I’m hungry.

It’s a pretty similar story when I haven’t had enough sleep. I’ve learned I do best on 7.5 – 9 hours of sleep. If I didn’t get that then one would think a nap would be reasonable. As my friend Natalie says, “Naps can be tricky.” If I fall asleep because maybe I’m too hungry, I’m a real bear to be around when I wake. The same if something interrupted my nap or if I slept too long or not long enough.

Another thing that sets me off is being rushed. I often am rushing other people, but when the tables are turned it’s a whole different story. I become very irritable and lash out at everything – people texting to know where I am, my KISA simply trying to talk to me, not knowing what to wear. Really, anything.

And, unfortunately the same is said if I’m too hot. Thankfully living in SF has taught me to dress in layers so that I can shed them as needed.

Basically, I’m a fun-loving, happy person…unless I’m in any way uncomfortable.

I planned to run away this weekend and do a solo camping trip. (I think Wild influenced me a little too much.) I do some of my best thinking when I’m alone and wanted a chance to reset. I seemed to be the only one in my household that thought this would be a good idea. After some convincing I agreed to not go this weekend, but instead my KISA and I took some alone time at a bed and breakfast in Santa Cruz, a little resort town on the ocean. The night has been pretty relaxed as we had dinner and then drank some wine and hot chocolate with Bailey’s next to their outdoor fire. I’m not quite sure why we don’t slip away more often.

The good news is that I’ll still get my alone time next weekend on a little getaway I’ve planned. I’ll fill you in on more about that later!

What is your Personal Legend? I’d never been asked that question or heard such a phrase until I read “The Alchemist”. Personal Legend is defined in the book as “…what you always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their Personal Legend is. At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their Personal Legend.” The mysterious force is “…a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your Personal Legend. It prepares your spirit and your will, because there is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it’s because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It’s your mission on earth.” “…people are capable, at any times in their lives, of doing what they dream of.”

Kind of deep, huh? I spent the last couple of nights reading “The Alchemist”. For those of you with little ankle-biters out there and not a lot of spare time, I would suggest it. It’s a quick read and it’s super insightful. I’d consider the story more of a fable than a novel as it’s fiction, but there are definitely lessons to be learned in it. It’s a story about a boy that is educated, but leaves home to be a shepherd because he wants to see the world. During this time he learns his Personal Legend and it tells the story of his journey to seek it.

The book is essentially about finding your calling in life, how love for others can derail you if you don’t properly understand love, and fighting the fear of defeat. It’s not easy to follow your calling in life when love and fear, which I’d argue are the two strongest powers in the world, can so easily derail you.

I’d love to say that I left my small hometown in search of my Personal Legend. In truth, I never knew if I was searching for something or running away from it. I’ve had my share of trials and tribulations along the way, but I’ve learned to live with no regrets or resentment because everything I’ve done has lead me to where I are today. And, like the book, I truly believe that sometimes you’re given challenges to build yourself and make yourself stronger, even though you may not see that at the time. These last few weeks are just building blocks.

I should know better than to write a blog posting on it being the worst year of my life and the not have people ask question about it. I should explain that I define a bad time as the bad outweighing the good; unfortunately that has been the case so far this year. I’ve been very blessed with having an easy life; unfortunately that means I live by the expectation that things will always easy. That has not been the case this year (in fact it seems even the most basic of things have been a struggle), which is why it is currently ranked as being the worst year of my life. I didn’t intend to share what was going on but I realize that the premise of my blog is honesty and what better time than now to practice. Be warned that most of my issues are first world problems, so I’m not looking for sympathy – I know I merely need to pull my act together to get myself out of this rut. Here’s my list of what’s bugging me:

1. I had a terrible New Year’s Eve. I know most people have low expectations of New Year’s Eve because they believe it’s always hyped up anyway. I have actually never been one of those people as I normally have a great New Year’s Eve and feel that it sets the tone for the rest of the year. Let’s just say you know our NYE was bad when even our friend Jack, who always likes a good party, left a couple strokes after midnight to go home.
2. I have been incessantly fighting with my KISA. This wouldn’t be so bad on its own, but we always fight about the same things. When you combine that with the other crappy things are going on it becomes very tiresome.
3. I had an irregular pap right before the new year. They couldn’t get me in again before December 31st, and of course I decided to switch insurance companies starting Jan 1. Because I’m cheap I chose the one that had no premium, but has pretty sucky coverage. I’m still waiting on an appointment.
4. I’ve already had to send back my two Christmas gifts because they were defective. The first one was the Kindle, which was just really annoying because I was partway through a book when it decided to shut off and never turn on again. The second one was a vanity product my KISA got me. Their customer service was really great and offered to send out a replacement to arrive the next business day. FedEx put a note on our mailbox saying we needed to sign it for it to be delivered. Which we did. And we did again the second time they left a note. Then I called and told them I’d be home on Friday to sign it in person, but they decided to not send it out for delivery. On Monday I learned they were sending it back to the shipper. I ended up having to call the shipper and work things out with them to have a new one shipped to my office.
5. I lost my train card on NYE and never found it. The unfortunate part is that I’m charged monthly for an unlimited pass and without the card I’m required to pay $14/day to take the train…in additional to the monthly fee I already pay. Last Wednesday they confirmed that they sent me a replacement card. Of course it didn’t show up in the mail until Monday night, so I had to endure the SF traffic every day, refusing to pay the $14.
6. Our payroll department messed up my first paycheck of the year. Unfortunately this is not the first time this is happened, but this time it is in excess of $300. They will be adding it to my paycheck at the end of the month, but it doesn’t do me any good now.
7. I can’t seem to get ahead on the social side of things. I have emails from friends in my inbox that I want to respond to and haven’t had a chance. In addition to that it’s my bosses 40th birthday today and I forgot about planning anything for her. I can’t help but feel like I’m dropping the ball.
8. I realize that I have three amazing girlfriend in the city, but my network doesn’t extend outside of my KISA. Everyone I know is through him and I haven’t made any friends on my own.
9. I have no motivation to work out nor desire. Even the two days I rode my bike I felt like my lungs were on fire. And that’s a mere 2 miles each way. In addition to that I seem to always be tired. I’m not sure if I’m not sleeping well during the evening but I always seem short on sleep; almost every afternoon or evening when I get home from work I feel the need to nap. My sleep cannot seem to be satisfied.
10. I finally found a travel agent to help us book our dream honeymoon cruise to Antarctica. I’m learning Antarctica might just be a dream after all; the quote came back considerably more than what we had expected. In addition to paying for a wedding. We’re now faced with figuring out if we want to fork over the extra money or change the destination.
11. I’m worried my depression is starting to come back as opposed to just having a lot of consecutive bad days. I don’t feel very happy during the day, I’m having a hard time focusing, and I can’t seem to get ahead of things which is not my usual nature. That’s in addition to constantly feeling sad.
12. I’m learning of so many relationships that are failing lately. And, they’re really great people, but just can’t seem to make it work. It terrifies me and makes me second-guess if we have what’s necessary to beat the 50%+ divorce rate statistic.

So, you get the jist of it. It’s just a sucky start to the year, but in no way going to define how the rest of my year goes. In came in like a lion, so it will go out like a lamb. So help me god.

To say my 2014 is off to a bad start would be an understatement; it’s currently the worst year of my life. Thankfully I have 50 more weeks to turn in around. Hopefully years are like the month of March – if they come in like a lion, they go out like a lamb. This year was supposed to be one of the biggest years of my life, per society.

In writing this blog every day it’s forcing to me write what I’m thinking about, regardless of my mood, which is not always easy. In fact, it’s super hard.

Instead of lamenting how 2014 has not yet been the year I hoped it would be, I have instead decided to take matters into my own tentacles (Little Mermaid…anyone…?). Starting tomorrow this is going to be a better year. Starting tomorrow I’m going to stop complaining and start acting. Starting tomorrow I’m going to write you a better blog posting. 😉

Yesterday my KISA and I were talking about nagging. Well, he considers it nagging, but I consider it pointing out things that he would overlook or forget about if I didn’t keep reminding him. In this book I’m reading, “Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl – A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship” it talks about how you shouldn’t nag a guy, but should instead pretend like something doesn’t bother you and the guy then feels guilty and comes crawling back to you. In my 30.5 years of being a woman this has maybe happened twice, but it’s only when the guy knows he was really wrong. And even then I don’t remember those times, but I’m giving the benefit of the doubt that they maybe happened.

What I don’t understand is why don’t guys just do what we ask the first time? If they did then we wouldn’t feel the incessant need to remind them and everyone would be more productive. And, how is it that we as women get a bad rap for reminding them that something they said they’d do still hasn’t happened? Aren’t they the ones to blame for not having done it to begin with? Do they just feel guilty that they keep forgetting and then try to turn it around on us to make us the bad guys?

Also, why don’t men read self-help books on how to please us? I could write a chapter on how to get us to not nag. Step 1: When we ask you to do something, even when it sucks, think about everything we do to make you happy. Step 2: Go do what we asked you to do.

I think I’m done with self-help books for a while. *End of rant.*