October 8, 2010 – 10:14am

I’m not suicidal – I just have an addiction. One of my coworkers loaned me a book called, “Letting Go”. The book gives you a list of different things you might think or feel when going through a break up. I learned in the book that it is normal to feel suicidal after a break up and wonder if your ex would come to your funeral if you died. Yes, that’s really what it says. And, for the record, I’ve never once had that cross my mind. I’m not sure if that makes me feel less normal or more normal. One of the things it did accurately point out is that breaking up with someone is like overcoming an addiction – that addiction to talk to them, see them, hang out with them, etc. I’ve realized that I had an addiction to Mr. Fenner. But, I have resisted the urges to contact him, drunk text him, or ramble on about nothing. Times like this I’m thankful I never tried smoking or crazy narcotics.

I have a text message stalker. Part of my job is to do ride alongs with people to coach them through selling situations. On Wednesday morning my ride along decided to not wake up when we were supposed to meet (you might have seen this on my FB posting). Of course I was in a Podunk nowhere, so my AT&T work phone didn’t have service and I had to call him from my personal phone. Rule #1 – Don’t ever call someone from your personal phone that you barely know because it now means they now have your number. Anyhow, this hoodlum continued to inform me that if I was able to help him sell udder care to one of his customers he would be forever in love with me. And, we walked away from the visit with a 6 month commitment. The following is what I woke up to on Thursday morning (I put the stalker’s messages in bold):

“Good morning sunshine”

“I thought I told you to delete my number?”

“I hope you have a wonderful day.”

“I hate you! Please delete my number.”

“Its a beautiful day just like you”

“Oh my gosh! I hate you. Please delete my number NOW.” 

“im not deleting your number just in case you change your mind about doing something tonight. i dont want you to feel left out or lonely.”

Obviously I don’t actually hate him. It made me laugh. And, I decided I don’t mind having a text message stalker if they make me laugh. And, as long as they are thousands of miles away so that they don’t show up on my doorstep.

Mom, I’m leaving for the Amish countryside. I’m serious. On my ride along on Thursday I met an Amish fella named Eli. He’s maybe 20ish and smoking cute. And yes, I said Amish – bad haircut and all. However, he didn’t have a beard, which I understand means he’s unmarried. Anyhow, he kept looking at me and smiling. And, he was rather chatty. And flirty. So, I decided that I’m running away to Ohio to be with this Amish fella. I’ve already met the entire family (they were milking when we got there). I love Amish restaurants and cooking. I love new/different cultures. And, I love wearing dresses. It’s a match made in heaven.

You all watched and listened (and probably rolled your eyes) as I braced for turning 30. I was convinced my life was going to be over once I hit that milestone.

I have a couple girlfriends, and followers, that just turned 26 and 27 in July and have shared the panic they’re feeling that I also went through.

I remember reading articles and interviews of women talking about how their 30’s were the best years of their life and that they finally hit their stride. I couldn’t relate. I thought my 20’s were incredible and felt like that carefree feeling would come to an end and I’d eventually have to be responsible (my least favorite word) and start settling down because, let’s honest, my biological clock was ticking. I couldn’t imagine how it could possibly be better.

Well, it actually can be. Now, hear me out before you start tuning me out in the same way I did to those articles. Trust me – I felt what you feel.

I posted one of my new favorite songs my Avicii a week ago and the song really resonated with me. Specifically, there’s a part that says, “All this time I was finding myself and I didn’t know I was lost.” I couldn’t think of a better way to sum up my 20’s.

Your 20’s are the time in your life when you create yourself. You do the most growing and you learn so much about yourself, your likes, your dislikes. You get to travel to amazing places and experience amazing things. You get to date and figure out your preference in men or women. You get to make mistakes and ask for your parents’ assistance. And then again. You get to take risks with limited consequences. You explore every limit of yourself and life. Your 20’s are pretty great.

What you’re probably forgetting or may not realize is that unsettling feeling you have (yes, I know you feel it) is being lost. You always feel like something’s missing and you feel restless. You search for reasons on why that might be and offer up solutions. Maybe when I meet the love of my life. Maybe when I get married. Maybe when I have kids. Maybe when I explore every part of the world I can afford. Maybe when I get my career on track. Maybe when I make enough money to live comfortably. Maybe when I continue my education. Maybe when I move to a new city. Maybe when I make more friends that can relate to me. Maybe if I volunteer my time or somehow give back to the community. Maybe if I get a dog. Or buy a house. Or a new car. Or sell that house and that car. It never ends. And, while you love and appreciate your life, that feeling of restlessness won’t leave you.

“All this time I was finding myself and I didn’t know I was lost.” The thing is, all those feelings are normal. You’re creating and finding yourself, you just may not be conscious of it. What if I told you that you’ll reach a point in time when you feel satisfied and at peace. Would that make you believe your 30’s and getting older in general aren’t so bad? You see, all that creating and exploring you’re doing while you’re in your 20’s finally pays off. And, that drowning feeling goes away as you realize you’re reaching the shore as the waves effortlessly push you towards it and now you have all the fun endorphins from that crazy swim. And, you’re left with yourself, but in better shape than when you started your 20’s (maybe not literally, but figuratively…how did you lose that metabolism when you lost yourself?). And, you finally accept yourself for all that you are – flaws, craziness, beauty, and intelligence.

So, keep exploring. Keep finding yourself. Keep taking chances. Keep trying to figure out what you like and what makes you happy. All that will pay off and you’ll finally find peace and have some amazing memories along the way. I promise.

Hello everyone! If you’re sad this week still isn’t over and that it’s only Thursday, not Friday, I thought I’d send a throw-back your way (hence the TBT – Throw Back Thursday acronym in case you didn’t catch it). Back in the day before my KISA I used to blog on Facebook. Here’s the first in my series.

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October 4, 2010 – 7:57 am

Some of my friends have the ‘luxury’ of reading my very random highlights for the week, and I thought I’d share them with everyone since I now have only 100 Facebook friends. And, since it’s Monday you may not be mentally prepared to start the work week yet. Therefore, you’re welcome. 😉

I got my haircut really short and dyed it red. Ok, maybe not. After I broke up with Nick I bleached my hair blonde. When I broke up with Tim I ‘Brittany Spear’ed my hair to a chin length. On Saturday I had a hair appointment and decided to go with a trim and deep condition. How boring, huh? I’m not sure why I like to do something drastic with my looks after a break-up, but this time I decided to forgo the drama and leave my hair long. Or at least until my next hair appointment.

I don’t have a lot of passion to watch cow shows all day. Or all week for that matter, like some people. On Friday afternoon I lost my motivation to work and opted to instead spend the afternoon at the World Dairy Expo that was in town. Thankfully there were lots of people there I knew (from work) and lots of free booze. For the record, I did watch a few of the shows while chatting with people. It’s just hard for me to pay attention for long periods of time to anything…except maybe shopping.

I bought l-o-n-g jeans on Wednesday night. You’re probably  thinking, ‘not a big deal’, but it is. First of all, I’m proud of the fact that I can wear my regular size again. I gain weight during the summer months (who doesn’t love picnic foods and sitting in air conditioning when it’s hot instead of working out?) and my break-up diet has helped it dissolve back off of me, better than a tapeworm. More importantly, I got them because I spent the last few years dating someone the same height as me and felt ballet flats were more appropriate than heels (I wasn’t digging the Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise thing). Now that my ballet flats are out and my heels are back in I need longer jeans. Oh, how I’ve missed heels!

I deleted Brett’s phone numbers from my phone: work, cell, and home. I’ve decided that it’s in his and my best interest that I not call him…or send messages when I’m inebriated (no, that has not happened…yet). And really, what would I call him to chat about? Yes, we will remain ‘friends’ since we’re in the same social circle, but I don’t plan to call him just because I’m bored. However, he apparently hasn’t gotten the message because he’s texted me a couple of times…like to ask why I stole the old TV from the basement in Sun Prairie. For the record, I’m not a klepto, I just figured that since our old house was empty and it was down there all alone it needed to be taken care of. How was I to know that he’d sold it to the creepy realtor the day before? And, don’t worry – I returned it. Now I need to go buy a TV. And by the way, creepy realtor, quit looking through our stuff to offer us money for our things.

I want a convertible. I’ve decided that everyone needs to own one during their lifetime, so why not now? I’ve wanted one for a bit, but decided that I should be responsible and not have one in case I had a family in a few years. Since that time frame has been dramatically extended for me I think maybe it’s time. However, I don’t want a car payment. Hmm…I may need to rethink that one.

I’m writing my goals for 2011! Since I didn’t make any goals in 2010 (finding out on New Year’s Eve that I might be moving to Fargo threw me for a loop and I became distracted) I’ve decided that I’ll start on my goals for this fall and next year. So far I have one. That’s it. I’m not sure where my mojo went. But, I’ll still share my one goal – it’s to do a marathon. I’ve done four half marathons and swore while doing each that I’d be crazy to do a full, but it’s been about eight months since I last did a half and I’ve forgotten what that pain feels like.

I’m trying to resist the urge to do online dating. I have no idea why I’m so attracted to it, especially after the ‘crazy’ I attracted last time. Maybe I’m just cheap and want to go on 10 dates in 10 days where I don’t have to pay for the meals. Or maybe I like having something interesting going on in my life to share with everyone. Or maybe it’s to reassure myself (and my mother) that there are normal, nice gentlemen out there. I can’t really put my finger on it, but I’m fighting it. And, I kind of like not having any stalkers in my life right now.

I have magenta bath towels. I can’t tell you how excited I am about that!! I’m embracing the girly side of living in an apartment where only a single female lives. However, out of respect for my older brother, who may come to visit from time to time, I did buy two brown ones as well. They’ll be saved for his visits. Otherwise, there won’t be any boys showering at my home. Unless maybe they have a chiseled body. And they keep the door open. And they have run out of water at their home and have no where else to go. Otherwise, only my brother will be using the brown towels. Maybe I’ll wait to get his initials embroidered on them just in case…