Lately I’ve been processing the fact that I’m settling down. This may not seem like a big deal for some people, but it’s something I’ve never done in my life and I’ve always wanted to be able to do. There is a quote by Amy Poehler that said, “Take your risks now, as you grow older you become more fearful and less flexible.” I suppose part of settling down is taking fewer risks.

Our last term of grad school we studied in Vienna with a girl named Emily. She was a really cool American girl and I got to know her somewhat well. We had also studied with her in London a few terms prior, but I only knew her through acquaintances. After my cohort and I graduated we parted ways with Emily and she went on to Thailand to continue her studies and traveling. I followed her on Facebook and knew after her term in Thailand she moved back to the US and then did a trip to Central and South America for quite a while.

Upon moving to San Francisco I realized there was one person I knew in the city that wasn’t connected through my KISA – Emily. She had moved back to the US about a year prior, so I reached out to her. She kindly invited my KISA and me to a cook-out at her new place, where we met her boyfriend, roommates, and friends. During her get-together we talked about jobs and she mentioned that her company had just gotten bought out and that she’d made a bit of money off of it, which is the reason a lot of people like to work for start-ups. She wasn’t in love with the direction her new role was heading with the buy-out and was looking for a something different.

Unfortunately I haven’t spoken with her since then for no reason other than both of us just being busy. I recently saw a Facebook post about her going to China. I didn’t think much of it, assuming it was for a trip. She then posted a link to her blog and I read her last couple of postings. I learned that she had quit her job, sublet her apartment, sold all her possessions she didn’t need, and was leaving indefinitely. She felt unsettled and always had an itch to go back to Asia. So, that’s precisely what she was doing.

I was a little surprised when I read this, but I knew where she was coming from and the desire to do the journey. However, I only knew where she was coming from because of the old me that could relate. Last night I found myself restlessly reflecting on my life and wondering what was happening to me because I realized I didn’t envy her (even though I’m proud of her for taking the initiative to do the trip). In fact, no part of me wanted to live the nomad life again.

After my KISA and I sold the house in Madison and made a small nest egg I begged him to allow us to just sell off our stuff and travel the world for a year instead of moving to San Francisco and both of us getting new jobs. While he treated my comments like I was joking, we both knew deep down that I was serious about that desire. Or at least I had been.

As my KISA and I were going through our 7 bank accounts (yes, combined we have 7 accounts) last night to determine how much money we have saved for the wedding, for fun money, for bills, etc., I realized this is what my life was becoming. And that I was unfamiliarly ok with it.

October 8, 2010 – 10:14am

I’m not suicidal – I just have an addiction. One of my coworkers loaned me a book called, “Letting Go”. The book gives you a list of different things you might think or feel when going through a break up. I learned in the book that it is normal to feel suicidal after a break up and wonder if your ex would come to your funeral if you died. Yes, that’s really what it says. And, for the record, I’ve never once had that cross my mind. I’m not sure if that makes me feel less normal or more normal. One of the things it did accurately point out is that breaking up with someone is like overcoming an addiction – that addiction to talk to them, see them, hang out with them, etc. I’ve realized that I had an addiction to Mr. Fenner. But, I have resisted the urges to contact him, drunk text him, or ramble on about nothing. Times like this I’m thankful I never tried smoking or crazy narcotics.

I have a text message stalker. Part of my job is to do ride alongs with people to coach them through selling situations. On Wednesday morning my ride along decided to not wake up when we were supposed to meet (you might have seen this on my FB posting). Of course I was in a Podunk nowhere, so my AT&T work phone didn’t have service and I had to call him from my personal phone. Rule #1 – Don’t ever call someone from your personal phone that you barely know because it now means they now have your number. Anyhow, this hoodlum continued to inform me that if I was able to help him sell udder care to one of his customers he would be forever in love with me. And, we walked away from the visit with a 6 month commitment. The following is what I woke up to on Thursday morning (I put the stalker’s messages in bold):

“Good morning sunshine”

“I thought I told you to delete my number?”

“I hope you have a wonderful day.”

“I hate you! Please delete my number.”

“Its a beautiful day just like you”

“Oh my gosh! I hate you. Please delete my number NOW.” 

“im not deleting your number just in case you change your mind about doing something tonight. i dont want you to feel left out or lonely.”

Obviously I don’t actually hate him. It made me laugh. And, I decided I don’t mind having a text message stalker if they make me laugh. And, as long as they are thousands of miles away so that they don’t show up on my doorstep.

Mom, I’m leaving for the Amish countryside. I’m serious. On my ride along on Thursday I met an Amish fella named Eli. He’s maybe 20ish and smoking cute. And yes, I said Amish – bad haircut and all. However, he didn’t have a beard, which I understand means he’s unmarried. Anyhow, he kept looking at me and smiling. And, he was rather chatty. And flirty. So, I decided that I’m running away to Ohio to be with this Amish fella. I’ve already met the entire family (they were milking when we got there). I love Amish restaurants and cooking. I love new/different cultures. And, I love wearing dresses. It’s a match made in heaven.

You all watched and listened (and probably rolled your eyes) as I braced for turning 30. I was convinced my life was going to be over once I hit that milestone.

I have a couple girlfriends, and followers, that just turned 26 and 27 in July and have shared the panic they’re feeling that I also went through.

I remember reading articles and interviews of women talking about how their 30’s were the best years of their life and that they finally hit their stride. I couldn’t relate. I thought my 20’s were incredible and felt like that carefree feeling would come to an end and I’d eventually have to be responsible (my least favorite word) and start settling down because, let’s honest, my biological clock was ticking. I couldn’t imagine how it could possibly be better.

Well, it actually can be. Now, hear me out before you start tuning me out in the same way I did to those articles. Trust me – I felt what you feel.

I posted one of my new favorite songs my Avicii a week ago and the song really resonated with me. Specifically, there’s a part that says, “All this time I was finding myself and I didn’t know I was lost.” I couldn’t think of a better way to sum up my 20’s.

Your 20’s are the time in your life when you create yourself. You do the most growing and you learn so much about yourself, your likes, your dislikes. You get to travel to amazing places and experience amazing things. You get to date and figure out your preference in men or women. You get to make mistakes and ask for your parents’ assistance. And then again. You get to take risks with limited consequences. You explore every limit of yourself and life. Your 20’s are pretty great.

What you’re probably forgetting or may not realize is that unsettling feeling you have (yes, I know you feel it) is being lost. You always feel like something’s missing and you feel restless. You search for reasons on why that might be and offer up solutions. Maybe when I meet the love of my life. Maybe when I get married. Maybe when I have kids. Maybe when I explore every part of the world I can afford. Maybe when I get my career on track. Maybe when I make enough money to live comfortably. Maybe when I continue my education. Maybe when I move to a new city. Maybe when I make more friends that can relate to me. Maybe if I volunteer my time or somehow give back to the community. Maybe if I get a dog. Or buy a house. Or a new car. Or sell that house and that car. It never ends. And, while you love and appreciate your life, that feeling of restlessness won’t leave you.

“All this time I was finding myself and I didn’t know I was lost.” The thing is, all those feelings are normal. You’re creating and finding yourself, you just may not be conscious of it. What if I told you that you’ll reach a point in time when you feel satisfied and at peace. Would that make you believe your 30’s and getting older in general aren’t so bad? You see, all that creating and exploring you’re doing while you’re in your 20’s finally pays off. And, that drowning feeling goes away as you realize you’re reaching the shore as the waves effortlessly push you towards it and now you have all the fun endorphins from that crazy swim. And, you’re left with yourself, but in better shape than when you started your 20’s (maybe not literally, but figuratively…how did you lose that metabolism when you lost yourself?). And, you finally accept yourself for all that you are – flaws, craziness, beauty, and intelligence.

So, keep exploring. Keep finding yourself. Keep taking chances. Keep trying to figure out what you like and what makes you happy. All that will pay off and you’ll finally find peace and have some amazing memories along the way. I promise.