At Last

After this post I’m officially caught up on attire (I apologize to all my male followers that don’t really care how I assemble my outfits). Good thing I went shopping today for more clothes!

Tan cardigan, pink tank, white jeans, leopard print belt, sandals

Tan cardigan, pink tank, white jeans, leopard print belt, sandals

Cardigan: Lands End Canvas, Tank: Banana Republic, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: Levi’s, Shoes: Aldo

 

White silk blouse, black pants, black and gold tipped heels

White silk blouse, black pants, black and gold tipped heels

Blouse: Banana Republic, Pants: Gap, Heels: Kenneth Cole Reaction

 

Red sweater, navy polka top top, ripped jeans, leopard print flats

Red sweater, navy polka top top, ripped jeans, leopard print flats

Sweater: Banana Republic, Top: Handmade, Jeans: Levi’s, Shoes: J. Crew Factory

 

 

Yellow cardigan, Frida Daft Punk silk screen tee, fuchsia belt, black jeans, white Converse

Yellow cardigan, Frida Daft Punk silk screen tee, fuchsia belt, black jeans, white Converse

Cardigan: Gap, Tee: Rio street market, Belt: H&M, Jeans: Levi’s, Shoes: Converse

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Jean-ius

Some chambray inspired attire:

Chambray shirt, white jean shorts, leopard print belt, black ballet flats

Chambray shirt, white jean shorts, leopard print belt, black ballet flats

Shirt: J. Crew Factory: Belt: J. Crew Factory, Shorts: Old Navy, Shoes: Lands End Canvas

 

Black blazer, chambray shirt, leopard print belt, white jeans, black flats

Black blazer, chambray shirt, leopard print belt, white jeans, black flats

Blazer: Lands End Canvas, Shirt: J. Crew Factory, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: Levi’s, Shoes: Lands End Canvas

 

Jean blazer, white tank, tan belt, black jeans, slip on Vans

Jean blazer, white tank, tan belt, black jeans, slip on Vans

Blazer: The Limited, Tank: Express, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: Levi’s, Shoes: Vans

Racing Stripes

Some inspiration of the striped kind:

Fuchsia cardigan, striped tank, black jeans, black flats

Fuchsia cardigan, striped tank, black jeans, black flats

Cardigan: Gap, Tank: Old Navy, Necklace: Forever21, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: Levi’s, Shoes: Kenneth Cole

 

Striped long sleeved tee, white chandelier necklace, tan belt, black jeans, tan shoes

Striped long sleeved tee, white chandelier necklace, tan belt, black jeans, tan shoes

Shirt: Loft, Necklace: Urban Peach Boutique, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: Levi’s, Shoes: Lands End Canvas

Plaid!

While on our honeymoon we learned that plaid is technically called tartan in the UK. You’re welcome for the random fashion knowledge.

Pink and blue plaid shirt, white jeans, tan flats

Pink and blue plaid shirt, white jeans, tan flats

Shirt: J. Crew Factory; Belt: Express; Jeans: Levi’s; Shoes: Lands End Canvas

 

White sweater, blue and pink plaid shirt, jeans, pink Sperry Topsiders

White sweater, blue and pink plaid shirt, jeans, pink Sperry Topsiders

Sweater: Mango, Shirt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: Levi’s, Shoes: Sperry Topsider

 

Blue and pink plaid shirt, blue cardigan, pink chinos, tan sandals

Blue and pink plaid shirt, blue cardigan, pink chinos, tan sandals

Cardigan: Gap (dyed), Shirt: J. Crew Factory, Chinos: Gap, Sandals: Lands End Canvas

 

Navy sweater, navy and pink plaid, ripped jeans, brown booties

Navy sweater, navy and pink plaid, ripped jeans, brown booties

Sweater: J. Crew Factory, Shirt: Lands End Canvas, Jeans: Levi’s, Booties: Aldo

 

Plaid scarf, white long sleeved tee, black jeans, leopard print ballet flats

Plaid scarf, white long sleeved tee, black jeans, leopard print ballet flats

Scarf: Lands End, Shirt: Gap, Jeans: Levi’s, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Shoes: J. Crew Factory

 

Plaid scarf, white long sleeved tee, black jeans, white Converse

Plaid scarf, white long sleeved tee, black jeans, white Converse

Scarf: Lands End, Shirt: Gap, Jeans: Levi’s, Shoes: Converse

Peplum My Step

One trend I’m starting to fall in love with is the peplum top. I found one at H&M on clearance for $15 and had to try it out. I’ve only worn mine a couple of times and I really like it. However, I think I need to hem it just a bit as it’s border-line maternity top at its current length. (And no Mom, I’m still not pregnant.)

Purple blazer, white peplum top, black belt, ripped jeans, black open-toe booties

Purple blazer, white peplum top, black belt, ripped jeans, black open-toe booties

Blazer: Loft, Top: H&M, Belt: H&M, Jeans: Levi’s, Booties: Franco Sarto

 

Same look, blazerless:

White peplum top, black belt, ripped jeans, black open-toe booties

White peplum top, black belt, ripped jeans, black open-toe booties

 

White peplum top, navy belt, olive jeans, suede boots

White peplum top, navy belt, olive jeans, suede boots

Top: H&M, Belt: Banana Republic, Jeans: J. Crew Factory, Boots: Lands End

Olive You

I bought a pair of olive jeans from J. Crew Factory that I seem to pair with most things. These are a few examples:

Olive jeans, jean blazer, striped tee, black heels

Olive jeans, jean blazer, striped tee, black heels

Jacket: The Limited, Shirt: H&M, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: J. Crew Factory, Shoes: random store in Vienna

 

Jean jacket, olive jeans, light pink tank, tan belt, tan flats

Jean jacket, olive jeans, light pink tank, tan belt, tan flats

Jacket: The Limited, Tank: Banana Republic, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: J. Crew Factory, Shoes: Lands End Canvas

 

 

Black blazer, white tee, olive jeans, black sandals

Black blazer, white tee, olive jeans, black sandals

Blazer: Lands End Canvas, Tee: Gap, Belt: Banana Republic, Jeans: J. Crew Factory, Sandals: Aldo

 

 

 

Mint to Be

I can’t hide my love affair with the color mint very well:

Mint blouse, white jeans, leopard print flats

Mint blouse, white jeans, leopard print flats

Blouse: Banana Republic, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: Levi’s, Shoes: Zara

 

Mint blouse, white jeans, suede boots

Mint blouse, white jeans, suede boots

Blouse: Banana Republic, Necklace: Banana Republic Factory; Belt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: Levi’s, Boots: Lands End

 

 

Mint blouse, jeans, brown booties

Mint blouse, jeans, brown booties

Blouse: Banana Republic, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: Levi’s, Boots: Aldo

 

Yellow cardigan, striped tee, mint jeans, black flats

Yellow cardigan, striped tee, mint jeans, black flats

Cardigan: Gap Factory, Shirt: Zara, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: Gap, Shoes: Kenneth Cole

 

Gingham Style

A couple of my gingham inspired outfits:

Green sweater, navy gingham shirt, jeans, suede boots

Green sweater, navy gingham shirt, jeans, suede boots

Sweater: J. Crew Factory, Shirt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: Levi’s, Boots: Lands End

 

Tan sweater, navy gingham shirt, jeans, suede boots

Tan sweater, navy gingham shirt, jeans, suede boots

Cardigan: Lands End Canvas, Shirt: J. Crew Factory, Belt: Banana Republic, Jeans: Levi’s, Boots: Lands End

 

 

 

Black Out

I’m finally catching up on some outfits from this past year. Here are some outfits with an emphasis on black:

Black leather jacket, white tee, black jeans, black flats

Black leather jacket, white tee, black jeans, black flats

Jacket: Target, Tee: Hanes, Jeans: Levi’s, Shoes: Kenneth Cole

 

Black blazer, black tee, gray jeans, black booties

Black blazer, black tee, gray jeans, black booties

Jacket: Lands End Canvas, Tee: Gap, Jeans: Banana Republic, Booties: Saks Fifth Avenue

 

Black cardigan, gray tee, black jeans, black belt, leopard print slip-ons

Black cardigan, gray tee, black jeans, black belt, leopard print slip-ons

Cardigan: H&M, Tee: Target, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Shoes: Kenneth Cole

 

Black blazer, white tank, black jeans, red heels

Black blazer, white tank, black jeans, red heels

Blazer: Lands End Canvas, Tank: Express, Belt: J. Crew Factory, Jeans: Levi’s, Shoes: Style & Co.

Inner Voice Outside

Most people know a little kid in their lives. And, as you think about these adorable little children, innocent and full of life, you’d never do anything to intentionally hurt their feelings right? You just want to scoop them up, smother them with kisses, and remind them of how perfect they are. (Because really they are.)

Dr. Laura had been a weekly part of my life for months and I could see the notable difference in my life: I’d reflected on a lot of things, recognized things I wanted to work on (and was actively working on them), put myself first, and was working on self-love. I’m saddened to share that all that has ended, not because she wasn’t absolutely incredible, but because it got too hard.

In my final sessions we talked about my self-perception and how I talked to myself. You see my inner voice can be really mean to me when I stop to listen to what it’s saying. It’s not like some people that think they need to be perfect – I don’t feel the need to be perfect and am very forgiving of not being the best at things. Instead my inner voice is just downright mean to me. It’s critical of my lack of motivation to work out; it beats me up over and over again about things I say to people that might be taken the wrong way; it makes me believe that because I grew up on a farm and have never been exposed to finer things in life that other people are better than me; it tries to convince me I’m undeserving of my KISA and friends that shower me with love; etc. It’s something I don’t admit to other people because I’m ashamed of it. I try so hard to keep my life loud enough outside to not be able to hear it from inside. Or else if I move fast enough I don’t have time to let it be heard. I pride myself on how well I can hide it by pushing it down so far that all of it is hidden and then faking confidence so others don’t know it’s in there.

The downfall to Dr. Laura is that she seemed like she really cared about me. She treated me so well that I wanted to make myself a better person for myself, my KISA, and her. It was like she saw something in me that I didn’t see, and I was willing to try, hopeful to see whatever it was. She was like having a stranger that cares for you in the way a mother does, even in hearing the gory truths you admit. Because of this it was inevitable that I opened myself up to her and admitted the real side of me that I was ashamed of.

I don’t remember how it happened, but somehow the inner voice got outside and she heard it. I was embarrassed that it slipped out and I could tell how surprised Dr. Laura was to hear it, which made me even more embarrassed. Like a magician’s magic scarf, she started pulling at it and the inner voice kept coming out and getting louder. Dr. Laura knew enough about my past to know that my father’s outer voice had become my inner voice, which I was ashamed of. If I’d stopped long enough to listen to what it was saying I would have realized that too, but what it was saying hurt too much to listen. Why would you listen to someone criticize you like that? You wouldn’t. Those are the people you don’t keep in your life, yet this one stayed with me, determined to be heard.

What struck a nerve with me was when Dr. Laura wanted me to imagine myself at 5. I closed my eyes and saw a little girl dancing and singing. After a few seconds I realized the 5 year old was a mix between myself and my niece, Emma. I admitted this to Dr. Laura and she asked me if I’d ever let the inner voice say to Emma the things I allow it say to me. The emotions hit hard and quick – a combination of violent anger and overwhelming sadness at how it would make her feel. Those are the things you protect children from, not say to them.

At the end of our session on August 1st Dr. Laura tasked me with making a list of the things I said to myself. She asked me to text her when I was done. I left without making another appointment, not yet realizing that I wouldn’t be back. I still carry the piece of paper in purse that she wrote on with my assignment.

So why haven’t I done the assignment and been back after all the raving I’ve done about how great she is? Because it’s really hard. It’s so hard. The idea of acknowledging that voice and what it has to say scares me. I know it’s going to hurt my feelings and upset me. I know the pain it wants to inflict. And to know it’s coming from within me and are my thoughts is too painful to see on paper or admit to anyone. Even myself. To admit that I’m that cruel to anyone, especially myself? It’s much easier to just shove it away rather than dissect where it’s coming from and relive my past.

I know one day I’ll get the strength to reach deep within myself, pull out the demon, and listen to what it has to say. And when I find that strength I’ll call Dr. Laura or another therapist and find out how to kill it. Until then I plan to smother every little kid I meet with loving words and affection so that hopefully my outer voice will become their inner voice when they grow up.