In my entire life I’ve never belonged to a clique or a group of friends. In high school I would have friends, but I’d bumble along from group to group, never really feeling like I belonged. I notice that even as an adult I shy away from groups and often have to force myself to attend group events or parties. Because of my group avoidance I’ve created a very eclectic group of friends throughout the years that I gotten to know on an individual basis (most of whom have heard of each other, but never met).
I’ve always used boyfriends as a way to occupy my time and was never really not in a relationship throughout high school. Unfortunately college was really no different for me. And post college. The longest I’ve ever been single since I was 14 was 8 months, which also happens to be the time frame that I had my vow of celibacy and wasn’t really interested in dating men (right before meeting my KISA). The interesting thing in all of this is that I no longer keep in touch with a single one of my exes, so it’s not like they held such a critical part of my life that I couldn’t live without them. However, given the fact that I would often put them before my friends you would have thought that.
I will admit that I’ve done a better job of not having to be around the man in my life at all times, but in talking to my KISA tonight I’ve realized that I still do it to a certain degree. I don’t care to be the girl that people dread when they are in a relationship because they never see or hear from their friend again until she needs them. I don’t want to be the girl that is defined by others because of the guy she’s with instead of who she is as an individual. And, I genuinely love hanging out with my friends and find it gives me a kick in my step. So, I’ve decided to add another New Year’s resolution – spend more time with friends. I realize resolutions are supposed to be specific and measurable, but I don’t care to have my friends feel like I’m forcing myself to hang out with them because of some goal; I want to be conscious of it, but not make it forced. And for those of you that live outside the Bay Area – consider this your warning that I may show up on your doorstep if I haven’t visited you in a while; invite optional.